People say I'm weird, I say deal with it.
I want to be a lemming, but then again, I think I'm just like you.
I whine like a girl, I curse like a boy, and I have issues JUST like everyone else. So, this is my daily dose of B**S***.
It's already Monday, and in about 4 hours i would need to wake up and face the music. Right now my body clock doesn't seem to understand that, so I decided to bore others with details of my insignificant Sunday.
I spend the day looking for what to wear that would fit the party theme of naughty and nice. I end up buying xmas gift for my boyfriend. Maybe on Tuesday, I will head over to KL and get those black wings. They look pretty cool.
I have been having these weird restless feeling like something is wrong. Maybe it's anxiety of my trip to London, I don't know.. maybe.
Its that freaking sinking feeling again. Like I left something behind, like something is not right. That feeling at the pit of your stomach. Making me restless. Disheveled like a frenetic auditor on coke on a Sunday morning.
I didn't mean to snap at you. But nothing makes sense in my head. Especially you. You keep asking me what's wrong. I stare blankly at you, pretending to answer with that cold stare. You pushed again for an answer, a vocal one. Inviting me for another row of fights that will not even take place, let alone be resolved. I sighed. I snapped. My face tells you that something is amiss.
Here passes another day. I'm starring at the screen. I'm wondering what's wrong and my heart is heavy. Like something is creeping inside me and I don't know what it is.
I am looking on my side to find some kind meaning, he is asleep soundly while the sun is up. Cautioning me not to make a sound or he'll flip. Grouchy.
Looking outside my window, wondering if the week's gonna give me another heartache, another temptation, another shock lines of bad news.
Sometimes I feel like I just want to be saved, even if I do not know from what or who.
The noise was a form of vagaries of uncertain circumstances of my life. The knocking of the hammer followed by the deep drilling in the office on weekdays, snoring of the love ones at nights and the sound of renovation from my next door neighbour on weekends, were adding up to my aggravation.Just like the renovation of my life, filled with much noise, that I am losing thoughts and sleep. A crazy nightmare that doesn’t make sense, predictability of that significant other that keep proving me right to the point that I am losing my sanity and changes in plans from friends due to unforeseen circumstances that wasn’t part of the overall picture. Like my ramblings, is getting out of topic, all over the place without much logic or even a point to make. It is just noise.
I feel my mendacious nature is peeking trying to find faults with my own world. From each corner and perspective of my life, it is finding a reason to be cynical and hate. You think going to psychologist is bad, dude, even my psyche would need a 3 shrinks to go through my mind right now.
i've been tossing and turning. Hesitating and wishing for another a day. He said this should be the easiest part. But it doesn't seem so. Maybe I'm lucky.. to have such a heavy heart to say goodbye to.
I dont know if its right. But i know time to hesitate is over. Im racking my head finding a reason otherwise, but it seems this is it. The time is now.
I need you right now. I need you here to tell me that all my worst thoughts of u are wrong. I need you to say you are all that I need, you are better than anyone else that I can be with and that I am all that is enough. I need you to tell me, that I am better than what I think of myself, and that I am better when I am with you. Lie with all that you can. Let me believe it tonite. Just for tonite.
Let me smile and be safe, within your embrace. Without any thoughts of my past, of future but only the present here that I am with you.
Someone I love, once said to me, You will never let yourself be happy. Lie to me, make me feel that I can be.
I am allergic to obstreperous gender confused whiny blubbering idiots like you.
I know I'm not amazing. But next to you, I'm golden. But the side effects to the whining causes my head to hurt, my blood pressure to reach a point of no return, and I'm heading for a meltdown every time you utter something.
When things are still, I am restless
When I should be asleep I’m awake,
I’m not defying nature, but it may seem like I do not know me
When I should go left, I go right
When I should be crying, I am laughing it off,
I love with head, I fight with my heart,
I’m illogical yet I make sense
I love being boss around, but I hate taking orders
I want you slap me, yet I want you to kiss me
Confused yet certain
I’m consistently inconsistent
I know myself, that I know I don’t
When I’m wrong, I’m right
I hate myself yet I’m proud
Don’t try to figure me out
The weekend was like a congeries of weird and irrelevant nonsense, that somehow make sense i my already jumbled up mess. Last week ended with me talking to a colleague about her depression and later followed through with a scary ghost story over drinks at a nearby pub. This leads to 4 grown women had to go to the bathroom together due to much uneasiness and chills down our back. I rushed home like a horny men chasing his next tail, and got home to change and rush out for my best bud's birthday. The nite ended with me texting randomly, and falling to deep sleep.
The weekend was filled with unexplained dreams. I stayed indoor last weekend, except for the shopping day out with mommy dearest and my beloved auntie. My favourite pastime ...put to good use.. and my credit card stayed away from any actions.
It ended up with yours truly teaching mommmy on the existence of LaSenza, which she absolutely loved the strapless although it cost more than her normal in a pile bra's, taught her to wear wedges and my auntie heels, and later some caramel frap coffee base with whip cream and me testing out the new GBC from mickey dees.
Oh yeah.. before I move on, back to dreams.. i dreamt.. I gave birth to twins. And they were... adorable?
And the next day I dreamt about my ex. Which just weirded me out. But I'll take this two dreams and give up the early morning anxiety attack I had this morning. Like clockwork 4.30am, 5.30 am.. i woke up gasping for air.. panicking on what I have not finished up yet.
Today.. was like any other Monday's. Painful. Problematic. Pissy me. I wish I was some kind of Antaean employee.. that nothing would tire me out, and make me restless.. But eh... best quote of the day : IDIOTS ARE BORN EVERYDAY.
Today I reminisce about the men that I have loved in my life. They are all different people and I love them differently. Besides all the difference one thing remained the same, one characteristic that they all share in common. No, its not that they all adore me and love me with all their heart.. They were all men that I know deep down I would not spend my life with.
People say when you meet the one, you know.. but when I cannot even decide on the right pair of shoes, how do I decide on the “right” one?
In my life, things come unexpectedly in my life, and I follow the course, with nothing more than just hope.
I “accidently” fall into my career path, I accidentally fell in love and by chance I manage to fulfill my childhood dreams, which is to travel.
Sometimes it made me wonder, “Am I just settling for whatever that I can get?”
Or
Is it the fact that when growing up, I learn that the best way to not let yourself down, is to never expect too much. Manage your expectations. The less you hope for, no matter what you get, you get content. Growing up, I never asked for specifics. I make it open with much space for consolation. See, I never wished to be married, be a mother and be happy. Instead I wish to be once in my life, know what it is to fall in love and have someone to love you back. Love with passion, love with all your heart.. the kind of stupid love you read in those trashy romance novels. And I have experienced that kind of love and the heartbreak that comes with it. The kind of love, that shakes you to the core.
Then, all I ever wanted was, to be able to travel (again without any specifics). And when I fall in love, I happen to fall in love with someone who made that possible for me (due to the long distance relationship). And eh.. I kill two birds with one stone.
So if both of my dreams are fulfilled, what else is there to look forward to…
You are already gone. Then why do I feel this. You are no longer mine. Why do I hold on?
He is leaving in due time. Like a ticking clock, waiting for the moment to strike. I feel like I’m stuck on a limbo. What is that place again? Oh yeah… Purgatory. Being held back.. before even heading anyway.
Here’s the weird part. You are already gone. By now, you are away and we have no idea when you are coming back. You are away, and I am trying to adjust to letting you go. We should take this as a goodbye, so when you do go, I’ll be fine… just fine. Isn’t it selfish? You are so selfish. What the hell am I doing? You should be enjoying your freedom now, you tell me, you wouldn't.. why? So that I stay here.. waiting for you.
And yet, I feel perfidious for even thinking about anyone else. Like as if I have just kicked you in the nut, with the most devious smile, while still telling you it’s not suppose to hurt. Yes, that doesn’t make sense. None of this does. You, me, them.. none of this.
Its one of those days. Where I just don't quite get it.
I swallowed my words. Put up a smile. If it’s the best thing for you, who am I to stand in the way. I know from the very beginning it was never meant to even be anyway. I will get over this. I will get over this. I just suck at goodbyes.
Hey, at least you leave before you end up hating me..
I know I’m over you. But sometimes, just sometimes… my thoughts starts to look for you. It started slowly, with some random thoughts. Like an ambuscade hidden deep within my some half damage eaten away by zombie braincells.. just waiting for the right moment to spring its trap. When it reveals, you just can’t shoot back. But watch it unfold.
As much as I thought I threw away every thought of you, I guess, there are some parts of you hidden locked somewhere. And sometimes… just sometimes.. my mind would go on a rampage search, in need of whatever that is left in this messed up memory to find, any thoughts left of you.
Funny now, I realized all the things that you always say so proudly about us. I finally understood it. Like how messed up our ramblings thoughts were, we knew the other would understand it. I can’t ascribe any cosmic big bang theory to it, I can’t say it was …. ;
I can’t make sense out of it.
But there’s nothing like passionate, perplexing, unimaginable kind of love that can edify you and change your perception towards anything real. The way you made me push myself to be more than what I am, for f*ck sakes, you can even make me google all day on vexillology of Romania, by just saying about one flag that you are infatuated with. And later speak of it like an expert on the whole history of romanian flags.
The way we love. It was a competition to self-destruction, because while you are at it, you are the best of you, the worst of you, the apotheosis of oneself. When it’s over… You lose the strength to ever be anything like it. Maybe, you will get that kind of love, only once in your life. If you ever come close to anything like it again, you let it go. It’ s enough. Once is enough.
As much as I loathe you, or I curse myself every time I use you as reference, I guess you would still have something up on a pedestal. As I said before, I’ll say it again. You were everything I never knew I wanted. But once this smile fades, I’ll hate you again. And you’ll be polyonymous, but not to anything that you would want to know the meaning of.
The moment is now. I can feel my heart beating faster.
I have dragged it for ages. I promise myself, If I had one more chance, I'd do it differently.
Cold sweat. Nerve wrecking. I made false empty promises of nothingness to the Gods again, whichever one that is listening now.
Then I arrived at the door. There was a smell that follows, it reeked the smell of a damp room. I breathed in, and sat down on the chair. I sighed and mumble my last deal to the devil. Bargaining my soul, for never to meet with this empty chair again. The lady in white cued her hand signal for me to sit on the chair. I sent in my last message, and I rest my cute lil bum on that chair.
They 2 ladies in uniform prepped me up, and waiting for the executioner to arrive. I stared blankly at the feet. This is, brace yourself old girl. It's time...
I look at the little torture gadgets lined up on my left. I gripped my hand tighter. It will be over soon. Then he arrived...
And gave me a long lecture while he torture.. and tell me. Come back again in two days. Damn you
She said, we deceive ourselves, and we are happy to do so. We play so many roles every day, sometimes we forget the true self underneath all those masks.
You think you don’t know who you are. Look at them, (points at random strangers). There lies another bunch of women as clueless as you are.
Love? My relationship is base on foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusions. He sees what he wants to believe, I give him what he wants me to be. In return, I play pretend, that this relationship does have a future. I repine for those that are hopeless. That’s me. Go figure.=
Let’s Get Married. Yes. Let’s. Since everything else seems dull and mundane. Marriage seems perfect for you dear girl. Yes. Why not we jump on the wagon for an institution that often fails as much as it succeeds? It seems like the perfect answer for you my dear girl. Especially you, who more often than not, knows exactly how to push everything away,.
What’s not to love about corsets? I love how it can makes you feel womanly, sexy and oh so empowered at the same time. It tends to remind me of those cowboys movies, where the women in tight corsets, speaking funny, saying O my, while the men countdown to 3, face each other in a shoot off.
How can a woman resist anything that makes the waist smaller, enhancing the curve you have and making your tits look just goddamn amazing.
My favourite corsets in my closet, is from Fredericks and the new summer collection they have, might just cause all my cards to be over limit. The cut it has is perfection as the tail bone in the corset doesn't easily bent or get our of shape. And the designs, oh goodie.
It is just breathtaking..
On the other hand, Victoria Secret has a few corsets in their sites, not as extensive or detailed, but two did caught my eye.
But, let's look at the choices we have in Malaysia. Since, both of the brands on the mentioned sites does not deliver here. Under La Senza, but this is looking at their international sites, (since their website in Malaysia is kinda retarded) there is a handful choices
Another choice is Queen Chloset which is truly affordable with corsets ranging below RM100!! The minor down side of not being able to try the corsets. My advice, always find tight corsets, because loose corsets just looks sad...
Now.. although as you can see, the choices we have here are more into frills, and conventional. And right now, all I can think off is polka dots bikini inspired corsets!
Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life.
I love when u snuggle with them, the smell of their perfume is stuck in your hair.
You roll around in bed, and the scent of their perfume, is on the pillow and the blanket, and you roll around in bed, reminiscing about what happened earlier.
Even if they are gone, and u never know when u ever see them again.. the scent will keep reminding you of the moment the whole day. Leaves u with a grin, a glow some say on your face like a permanent mask for a day.
The traffic jam has now returned back to Klang Valley.
Great, now I have time to put on make up in the car again.
The aunties that constantly breaking even when the next car’s a far apart. The shuttle’s that is unable to see you and swerve right at you, sigh tunnel vision. And the motorbikes… oh the motorbikes… They are all making their way to the office.
Great! Now at least I do know that everyone else is back to work. Holidaze - should be over by today.
I don’t remember when was the last time I spring clean my room. Must have been five years ago, because the ghost of all my exes seems to be all around the room. In little corners, they seem to hide little memories to remind me why I hate them or love them. It’s excruciating to find yourself where you are, and walking down memory lane of where you were.
In my box of CD’s, I have found my ex’s organizer. Inside it was blank without any notes but with one memento. It was a picture of him and her. Her, that snotty little bimbo who can neither act nor model. She has been in my room for at least 3 years! WTF??
Moving on, I decided to undertake heavy-duty chores. My closet. It is overstuffed with tiny baby tees and jeans at size 24 where I can never fit into again. Yes, this is just what my shrink ordered to boost my wounded ego and self esteem. Then stuck in between piles of things I can never wear were all HIS stuffs. T-shirts from various people I’ve ever been with ugly men t-shirts, oversized white shirts and variety sizes boxers.
Then, I went through my handbag drawer and I found a bunch of torn or broken handbags. One of the content of the handbag were scattered on the floor. Staring back at me was a bunch of card and a piece of paper. I slowly unfold the paper, and read through it. Maybe it was the hormones or the emotional instability but the water works was turned on. It began with quiet sobbing, and after few paragraphs I was bawling out like a broken stereo.
An e-mail, printed in A4 – hidden in my old handbag
It’s not mushy, but it just creeps into my skin. He always has a way of doing that. It’s just things that he says, crawls in and just kind of gets me. Like when he said,
That’s me. That’s truly me. I love doing that.
Then, I started bawling by the end of paragraph one, when he said
That’s why it was great; coz both of us didn’t have to over think. It was real. I wasn’t playing pretend; we were the best of ourselves.
Then whenever in doubt, we think of how we are together, and it just works. By this line, I was a mess!
And it made me remember when he first told me he loved me. All he said was “you are early”, and I was pudding.
Moral of the story, throw it out. IT’S GARBAGE. IT’S OVER.
You don’t want to find bits and pieces and start crying in between a pile of old clothes and broken bags. It's not a pretty picture. It's pathetic. So throw it out...
When I start cleaning, it means I need a project and something to keep me occupied. Maybe I am going through an early mid life crisis. I no longer know what I want or who I am.
For those who don’t know me, I am a person who loves beautiful things but am definitely not domesticated. I am not a rich kid, but I am a brat.
Put it this way, I went on leave for a week, and out of Malaysia. I got back to the office, my BOSS cleaned my desk because it was such an eyesore.
I am not good at cleaning. And I can live in a pigsty room without a care in the world. It is going to be messed up again, so why bother!
I don’t know what is wrong with my head. Yesterday, I spring clean my room, my car, and now it’s like a new project of what I need to buy and do to it.
I know, there is something wrong with me. This is going overboard. First cleaning – who knows what’s next in store. I AM NOT ME ANYMORE!
My guy friends were in my car yesterday, and this was the picture
of my car that he shared on our BBM group.
And I will update this pic, with a picture of car later.
Its not uncommon, to the ones with gifted assets, that wearing a shirt, will always be a battle to us. But like any other soldiers, we brave it on even when face with situations like “The revelation” (where, your button pops open, and your grandma’s bra goes exposed,) or “Can no longer hold it in” (the buttons, gave up on you) too many times.
So today, I decided to brave it on. Putting on my black puffed sleeve shirt that is left with only 3 buttons. The other two soldiers, decided to abandon its post during the washing machine warm cycle. Those cowards! And this is after having them new recruits that I have employed for – from ZA ALTERA. Ugh, new recruits, they are not as tough as the originals. Leaving post, even before the battle.
So, since I have decided to pair them up with high waist skirt, I thought, the 3 buttons would be able to hold on, at least for this one battle.
But, battlefield is a not an easy game. Even before I reach the office, one button has done its last fastening.
One button down! One button down!!
While driving, and adjusting my tuck-ins, he decided he has done its time.
One down, TWO to go. Its not even office hours yet, the two soldiered on! Oh how proud I am of this two, for they are the ones that are in for the tough battle. They are at the “peak of the battlefield”, or the two gay hobbits, fighting at MOUNT DOOM.
At approximately 9.15am today, he lost the battle today.
Final trumpet plays for the last of its fastening
No time for proper recruits! If you have face this battles before, you know your reinforcements. You either have your back ups troops stashed somewhere, or at least you know where to get your contract killers. Its unconventional, and some may say, disreputable tactics that you are deploying. But the battle must go on. There’s a war transpiring, and you can’t give up on. One safety pin left from the drawer, let’s hope it last through the day.
I have loads of those meaningless dreams. And today, while driving, I realize I had another one last night. To show how meaningless and random the dream was, I want to write this down, before it goes into the next list – meaningless and forgotten dreams.
I was staring at the pc in a room that was a mixture of Uni days cybercafé and with the deadbeat pc that I use in my office. I was browsing through news and gossips when it the headline makes my heart drops. I couldn’t believe it, another young celeb, gone too soon.
He died of a car crash, and although I am not a huge fan of him, I felt overwhelm with sadness. I kept reading, and I understand that his whole family died in this tragic accident, and the only family left to handle the burial, happens to be a friend of mine. In that dream, everything else then went into whirlwind mode. As I was just in so much shock of the death and that my best friend is related to him.
Then it just went into a different room. One that I cannot even made out whether it was a bedroom or a living room. I am watching TV. And the news hit me again. I got excited, called up other friends and was like can u believe it? She is related to JT.
Why am I writing about this crap? I donno. Maybe I am trying to create meaning to a meaningless dream. Who cares? I’m doing it coz I can. It’s a working day, from a long a four day weekend. No one is in the office, and no one is bugging me. Let me enjoy this!
Anyhow, if this is meant to have any purpose - this proving wiki’s definition of A dream is a succession of images, thoughts, sounds, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.[1] The content and purpose of dreams are not fully understood ....
Maybe he's right, when he said,
"I feel like I'm just something you pass your time till something better comes your way,"
Maybe, there is nothing better out there that you are waiting for. Just a fantasy of the unknown. The idea that it could be different. Maybe the something better, is what I wish u were.
I never believed that things are complicated. We make them complicated. But then again, I also believe in a completely different alter universe, where fairies do exist. Go figure.
I don't know what I want. Maybe, I've been wanting all the wrong things. Happiness is overrated. Yes, I know that. Why do u think I settle for temporary happiness.
Maybe we are all not waiting for something better, I like to think we are hoping for something better. A better job, a better partner, a better life overall.
We pick on the little things, flaws, and wish for something extravagant, because we refuse to settle in and think, this is all there is to our little life. We want to know that is a little room for uncertainty for something more tomorrow. Why does it seem wrong that we cannot be fulfilled easily and be content with mediocre?
Why do you make me feel guilty for wanting more?
Went out drinking yesterday. After 2 big glasses of hoegaarden, and 1 baby glass, I'm already emotional.
Damn. Thought this is suppose to give me some sense of warm sense of momentary lapse of how sucky everything is and make me feel fuzzy. But instead I got home, still pissed at god knows what and slept.
I don't go to sleep to dream and I have my feet on the ground.
Fiona Apple sang those lovely words in her first album tidal.
Times like this, while I wish for my boyfriend to drive me away from temptation, he seems to be missing in action. Great!
I know I cannot use that as a reason, but there are times, that you wish you see the reason why you decide to be faithful. Faithfulness is not something that can come naturally. So I need you right now!!! So bloody hell, wake up from your dream, have your feet on the ground, and understand the nature of what you need to do to keep someone!
I love to exaggerate. I know. It's part of my theatrical play of life. My BS ammo of bullets.
But sometimes, I really do feel there is temptress, somewhere around with a magic wand, and I am her play thing. Every time I plan to do good, she knows the right play to put in motion to tempt me to her way again. This time, she's trying to make me bet bigger. The more I look away, the more she ask me to play.
It is like when you are married, suddenly you become irresistible. Must be the damn bloody temptress! Don't they understand, we are only human, without vices and much we can already succumb to temptation, and now u throw us a bone. Is there no mercy.
I hate being sick. You end up being at home.. sweating every corner of your body. And the drowsy slurring moments.. oh how I can be without.
This time it's worse, my throat got too infected there is actual puss accumulated there. Ugh... Disgusting!
That means.. not much smoking can be done!
Worse part... when your throat is infected, everytime you try to swallow your own saliva feels horrendous, and the docs, they give you big-ass pills to swallow. Its a ploy to make you choke on your pills, and just die...
So, I end up medicating myself, watching entourage season 3 and Brothers Grimm.
I mean seriously, what else can you do than watch whatever on TV or some good TV Series and favourite movies.
To the masses... I'm as common as the next, to the one that loves me to death- a misinterpret, misjudge & misunderstood person that keeps getting involved with the wrong people who keeps failing her- to the one that i can't forget. a WHORE that slept with the valet?!?. To most people .. A complicated INTOXICATED SELFISH being.. To a bunch of special people, annoying, STUBBORN, friggin B**TCH- to a small group who knows me as acquintances - ADVENTUROUS, WILD and funny... while to those who knows me.. confused and like to play pretend. Oh yeah, who looks slutty to cover her insecurities....
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