Daily Dose of BS: October 2008

I'm not a fan of faith

I entered the small room. There she was sitting there. What the heck, I’m on holiday, you are supposed to waste your money on crap like this, and hey – it’s my birthday. I didn’t get a lap dance, so maybe I should get another pointless waste of time activity. Let’s hear the BS about my life. So there I was looking at her, and I regretted ever doing it.

I don’t believe in it but it got stuck in my head like a bad jingle from Tourism Malaysia. On repeat.

She looked at me without expression. I grinned waiting for her BS. Then she said it – it seems to general, she could have made it up. “You don’t listen to anyone, you are independent, yet right now you are lost. You are seeking very much for guidance in your life.”

Then she tried again at a different perspective. FAMILY – “You are very close knitted family,” then she pauses. Again without any expression “And yet, you are very distant to them, why?” I gulp. I know why, but she doesn’t need to know. It was a wild guess, I convinced myself.

“Work wise, you are not as focused as last year. You do well, but you are not motivated.” WTF? Did my expression let that one out? “You just received some money from work,” she continued. Bloody hell, I just received one month’s bonus. She looked blankly and flatly she said, ” You don’t save at all.”
My face changed.

Then she looked at me, “There’s a man n your life, you are not over him. The year has been a bad year for you. You have bad luck in love, it never seem right for you. Its there, but its delayed. “
That’s it. I don’t want to hear anymore.

Just let me be

You don’t know what it feels. You are scared to know. And I would never tell.

I’m crying and laughing at the same time. I lost my sanity, And this hormones are driving me to my precipice.

I play pretend. I studied the mask. I had it on for so long, that I have abandoned every emotion I ever had. So that, they hear what they want to hear. They all only see what they want to see. I don’t even know what I feel anymore.

And when you push every feelings you have, you hide every pain, you empty every memory. And all you are, is just hollow.

As I keep crying, I can’t describe. Waves of pain and emotion. I cannot speak.

They don’t know how I feel. They never will. I’ll never tell.

I have taken every accusation. Every assumption. Every wrong. And I keep silent,

I am not a victim. Don’t get me wrong. But I just cannot say, what I want to say. I just cannot be.

In moments of conflict, I give up the fight and I just be.

So I do what I do best. I say to you, to all, to everyone…. everything that they want to hear. As I cut myself again. Again and again. So that I could swallow all this pain, and you wouldn’t feel a thing.

I am not righteous. I don’t do it for you. I do it for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want any of that bullshit. I just want one day to bath myself in this pain and anguish. I just ask for one day, to let me be, what I can not be in front you. I just want to give this one day that I deserve.

One of those days..

I just have so much shit in my head, and depression hits. More than anything else, I want to call you and tell you all about it. I don't feel like telling anybody else. I want you to tell me its all going to be okay and that you will be here soon enough to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
I wish you were here to hold me right now.