Topics of substance and satisfying nature
I was out with my other Libra counterpart on Monday, when we realized that they were giving a bottle of wine to a group of 4 girls. So we ended up drinking a bottle of wine, and catching up, since we haven’t seen each other for a while. And the entire night conversation involves topics of sexual nature. I realized that I was the only girl who was had never licked an “that particular hole”. While all the rest, recommended I do not think I could ever. Could you? Or am I just the only conservative one here?
Then come Tuesday, I have decided to have spend my night with Junky. After booking my flight , Junkie and me ended up drinking beer at a Chinese restaurant.
What happened last week in his life.
Okay to begin the story, here a snapshot of Junkie’s life and personality. He never felt that his life was on the verge; therefore he never really talked about it. No matter how bad it is he always felt that it was within control that he could still take charge of it. Money can be found, as crazy partying as he is, he still gets his life on track – at least on the surface. He could never be angry with friends, so instead of saying it, he only gives us the look and mere sarcasm that people overlook as just words.
The last week, he started playing with some heavy-duty drugs. What he finished in two days is what a hardcore addict would take in a week. So, he thought it felt nothing. He kept taking it and the next thing he knows, its been a week he’s on that BS. That he decided to break for a day, detoxify and sleep. Next thing he knows, it was Saturday, and he was alone in an empty house, curled up in a ball, clutching his NOKIA, and scrolling down his phonebook. Alone, ditched by a friend, with dreams of those whom have left the world. Scared beyond believe, when someone came to his rescue, he was bawling out every emotion he ever held back. Good thing that he had a bad trip.. if not he would have called the dealer for more.
We sat there talking about how much we have at risk, and how much we couldn’t deal with how I emotions betray us sometimes. Maybe, as our age keep ascending, and life has f**ked with us more, we are not as cynical as we think, we are just not as tough as we use to be. We falter. We give in to what we truly feel. And we try to hide it and conceal it.
I guess that is why we are out every night. Drowning our sorrows, our past, our debts, and anything that is painful. Because the moment, we are alone. It hit us, how alone we are and how messed up our fantastic life is.
xoxo
Rollo T.
You have only one life, what are u doing with yours?
The week started with memories of the weekend before. Involving a couple of audiences, pitter patter of rain on my forehead and other unmentioned parts, me lying flat and back arched on a garden table, broken glasses all on the balcony.
Another weekend pass, another random week is over, and another year will be coming to an end. Then it’ll be another Monday.
It started on a Monday; just like today, and I have the same trapped feeling that I am having right now. Then I called D and as we were talking about how broke we were after our LA trip, when she realized she didn’t even have cash to even fuel her Petrol. So I’ve decided to rescue her and charge it to my card. But the nite didn’t end there. We ended up going for a bucket of beer, with 13 people rejected our invitations. So after much drinking, we decided to have Maggi in a Cup in the petrol station with blaring Tamil songs in the background. I gave her my depression CD, and she started learning the beauty of Rachael Yamagata and Koko Kaina As I slept that dark am to the sound of Bic Runga and the promise that I will start running in the morning. But as daylight peeked through the window, my promises are thrown away with the morning light.
Then come Wednesday, D called asking what was the planned? I was tired and thought, okay lets have another quiet nite. Got down to Bangsar, I ended buying 2 dresses and having cheese platter down in La Bodega. Sipping my wine and enjoying my platter then a round of shots arrive at the table. Next thing I know, it was D’s birthday and I am down to my fifth shot, while D is vomiting in the bathroom. Next thing I know, I called the one I promised I wouldn’t. See, with alcohol in my system, my promises were flushed away like D’s vomit. I remember. But then again, I’m glad I called him.
Then the weekend arrived, with my Friday indoors, not wanting to go out. Then when I woke up the next day, I was lazing in my PC playing one PC game after another killing my hours senselessly, until D’s text came in. The rest were at field playing rugby and I thought what the heck, sounds like a plan. When there, ended up with more buckets of beer down the club, with the ghost of my last weekend playing pool, and a mother of a hot 17 year old telling me wants me to deflower her son for his 18th birthday. I didn’t know, sons are now up for pimping, and cherry poppers needs to go on Interview.
The night ends with D going back to some Italian one-nighter, who wanted to cook for her. So we parted ways, I was with Shorty enjoying my mamak food, and shorty holding on to my phone so I don’t make any late night calls that would lead to late night visits. What I was unaware of was, D had to go through 2 hours of wait before she actually got laid. Before, she decided to go back with him, I was contemplating whether I need to save her and be a cockblocker or let her be. So the guy had 2 hours of convincing before she decided to get in the car and go back to his place. They ended up stuck on the basement because the one of the units in the apartment was on fire. Thus, the whole block was asked to clear, while the firemen took their time. So, he decided to check in to one of the hotel registered under his company, unfortunately since he couldn’t enter the apartment, his passport was still back in the unit. So they ended driving back, stayed in the car, till everything quiet down. At 6pm, the guy finally had D. Talk about perseverance.
Then come Sunday, I woke up with a loud bang on my door, because Oonz knows that I will need the extreme wake up.
Oonz asked about D, I figured last nite was her stories tell. She asked if D’s doing better and I told her she asked about love. She’s confused. Oonz asked what did I answer. And I know, as cliché as it sounds this was my answer to her. I don’t know, but when I was in love, I was scared of losing the person.I know I am in love, when my action counts, and I don’t want to hurt him at all. But that was when I was in love, when I was truly in love. And like typical aww girls, they went corny on me, and were halfway in tears. And D, was not feeling that over her ex.
Then they told me about the accident that happened last nite. In the midst of it all, there was a rave event called ‘Freedom’ the night before, and when the event was over, a guy that we knew but I don’t remember met an accident with a lorry and lost his life. He was 25 years old.
While some life ended, some were beginning. I was at the Qiqah with most of my friends and their newborns and pride and joy.
I know this whole thing sounds like a bunch of rambling, and is pointless. But I guess, I was trying to find something, some kind of meaning to my week.
“You have only one life, what are u doing with yours?” while this ad keeps playing over on Hitz.fm. and I keep pondering with what I am doing with mine. Its true I don’t have it figured it. It’s a life of broken promises, bad working ethics, misjudge characters and random people that have passed my life without me knowing. And sure as hell, I don’t know how to finish this sentence or these ramblings.
xoxo
Rollo T
Remember me
So here’s to another Sunday.
I flip through old pictures. I couldn’t even get out of the room. Its been about 9 months, and I am still holding on to the thought of you.
Sometimes I don’t know why, I do this to myself. Am I just addicted to misery, or I am I just scared to let go, because it was the only time, I was ever happy and in love.
I couldn’t cry anymore, even if I wanted to. I don’t even know if it’s because I still love you. But every time, I see a picture of us, my heart aches. Anything that reminds me of you I hold it close.
I know why we cannot be. I comprehend that now….. that in the long run, I will still be unhappy. You will keep hurting me, or I will find ways for you to. You will not be true to me, and I will blindly be with you. I know I deserve better, I know I need to be with someone who wants to be with me more than you do. But right now, I just want to be in my room, on a Sunday, and hold on to memories of us.
Maybe it’s easier for you. You can always pack up and leave and leave behind all the thoughts of me. You go to different places, and soon enough I’m faded. You’ll be in different rooms, you meet different new people, and I am forgotten. You make new memories, and I become jaded.
But here I am, in my room, where you once slept and held me here. There I was about to enter the meeting, and I saw the room where we made love by the window, and driving my car, looking at the passenger side and I see you. When I try to run, there I was at the airport and all these while have been the place where I know it will be the last for me to see you. Here I m with the same friends, that I have introduced you to. So here I am, on a Sunday, thinking of you.
Another Day
I was hanging out with the girls today and taking it easy after the whole crazy weekend and the LA trip. Four beautiful, (oh just let me be all but not humble today) young, 20 something girls having coffee, and talking about the messed up relationships, and how it has pretty much - be everything in our lives.
She has always been confused, thinking that she wants to marry the guy, but needs to have the fun out of her system. But when she saw the text in his phone, and when he asks for the break up, it was a bit tough for her to handle. An d although it has not sink in yet, that its over, and part of her still believes its not. She still unsure, whether she wants to still be together or be apart.
Another girl is not even having sex with her bf anymore for a year, and last two days were in the car with the boyfriend for 50 minutes without even much but a word to one another. The zest is out of the relationship, and she no longer knows what she wants. Is it right that she leaves, or should she stick around and hope for the best?
The other, is just in a messed up relationship, where she knows she shouldn’t be with him, but she could not be without him.
And then there’s me, who is just too traumatized to ever even let herself ever feel anything anymore, The last time I had sex and enjoyed myself, was when the guy treated me like a f*cking whore, and when I know it will be meaningless when I wake up the next morning. It was sick. And when I started even getting close to even needing someone, I cut them out completely. And I couldn’t help but wonder, if I was still with my ex, will the fire burn out eventually. Will we stop enjoying sex, and will we run out of conversation as well. Will I go through the same motions as I did with others. Will I eventually get bored and annoyed with him?
Are we just too scared to be with someone, or be without anyone?
How come we second guess everything, and not sure of anything anymore when it comes to matters of the heart?
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi on Monday morning
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