When anger subsides, as thoughts raced
I guess I'll never be able to understand or know. Never expected to be so dissapointed with such an act. You didn't even catch me by suprise, you didn't even try to be creative.
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi
t-shirt no longer has your smell & I’m allowing myself for a breakdown
TONITE ONLY: Round Three: Girl Self Analysis –2 Boy Melting Her Cynics- 0
I ran out of complicated theories, and the argument with myself - I’m beginning to win. Me 1, HIM 0. Pushing you out again tonight.
Sometimes I can’t help and wonder, why do I keep doing this myself. Why fall in love and foregone everything around me. I had my own dreams too. Why is it, when we ladies fall in love, we forget ourselves? Give up on everything that matters to me, my family, my friends, my job… basically my life. Give up everything for something temporary. A moment with him… something to linger, while he fiddles with me until he gets bored. Why does one always want more? Why can’t one give up when one knows it’s a lost cause. Why fight what is so obvious. I have a hard time as it is, but I keep trying. Why?
Its funny really, no pathetic actually. I thought I was playing the part of the cool one, when really, I’m playing the stereotype women, who give everything for love.
I know it’s unfair. I never say anything. Why do I find solace, in writing?. How can one live with oneself.
I am constantly judging and testing. Trying to be grounded. When truth be told, I know I’ve flown too high to get back to ground. He will not give up anything. While I get in trouble, while everyone questions, while my mom cries, I drop everything for a day with him. While I get excited, while I plan in my head, u dropped the bomb – I want to be with my parents and give me a consolation prize. I admit, I’m being a drama queen now. I can’t say s**t when it comes to family. Then again, tonite, in wee hours, you tease me again. You told me, you wanted to be with me, then again, and you wanted to be in Seoul. So, you go to Seoul, while I try to kill of my plans and my vacation days, so I can see you.
I don’t blame you. It’s really me. I was the one who kept telling you, “Go fulfill your dreams. I have none- cause you are it.” Not those exact words, but pretty much that. I spelled it out with every agreeing actions, with every nod, I spelled it out – I AM NOT IMPORTANT – you are! Put the blame on me, for I fondle the trigger.. how can you blame it on the gun. I don’t even know what I want – so I play with what you want. I played the part so well, that I confuse the shit out me. This is purely rambling. Xoxo Rollo Tomassi
The Cupid's Aim Was Way Too Ambitious
Take a leap of faith.
We fought. I wonder if we could ever be.
I got sick, I turned off my phone. I turned it on, still no calls from you.
You thought I am no longer in contact. Today, you are absolutely crazy about me again.
This is getting out of hand. It’s too easy. I miss him.
Its Saint-Valentin Day again. All lovers are either now, excited, getting their hair done, make up perfected, p***y waxed, and wearing their matching undergarments.
To me, it’s 14 Feb, a reason to text HIM, but its just like any other day, another day in a week, another day ending too soon, another lonely morning to face tomorrow.
I should break open the champagne, put on a sexy lingerie and watch chick flicks all nite.
If you boys are looking to score, tonight is going be the easy and breezy. Single girls are more vulnerable and lonely. And is just looking for the warmth to be with someone.
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi
We fought. I wonder if we could ever be.
I got sick, I turned off my phone. I turned it on, still no calls from you.
You thought I am no longer in contact. Today, you are absolutely crazy about me again.
This is getting out of hand. It’s too easy. I miss him.
Its Saint-Valentin Day again. All lovers are either now, excited, getting their hair done, make up perfected, p***y waxed, and wearing their matching undergarments.
To me, it’s 14 Feb, a reason to text HIM, but its just like any other day, another day in a week, another day ending too soon, another lonely morning to face tomorrow.
I should break open the champagne, put on a sexy lingerie and watch chick flicks all nite.
If you boys are looking to score, tonight is going be the easy and breezy. Single girls are more vulnerable and lonely. And is just looking for the warmth to be with someone.
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi
an emotional episode
It has been one of then most emotional week. Having PMS really can drive a girl insane. As much as a tough one I consider myself, I fall down to my knees when time of the month makes its debut.
It started off with Wednesday – driving back from work, I started listening to The Perishers – Nothing Like You And I. Like a movie, the scene of you and me began playing. Like a little slideshow: it started with us meeting and kissing in front of that fateful valet, and the time I picked you up from Hilton, and every airport scene we had to say goodbye. It wasn’t perfect, every fight that we went through seems to be running in my head, the moment you slammed your laptop, the time you checked through my receipts, and me being on top of you – telling you its all going to be alright. I felt a huge lump in my throat – I started bailing out my tears like a 3 year old. I miss you.
Then at night, you called. I couldn’t speak. I cried the whole time.
The next few days, I went to an emotional turmoil. The more you asked me to move with you, the more I cried. I rationalized everything and nothing. None of it was right.
I got angry at her for fucking things up with my brother. I don’t often do that.
The week’s over. THANK GOD! I am wearing the same outfit as my devil’s advocate. Cant wait to meet him after work.
It started off with Wednesday – driving back from work, I started listening to The Perishers – Nothing Like You And I. Like a movie, the scene of you and me began playing. Like a little slideshow: it started with us meeting and kissing in front of that fateful valet, and the time I picked you up from Hilton, and every airport scene we had to say goodbye. It wasn’t perfect, every fight that we went through seems to be running in my head, the moment you slammed your laptop, the time you checked through my receipts, and me being on top of you – telling you its all going to be alright. I felt a huge lump in my throat – I started bailing out my tears like a 3 year old. I miss you.Then at night, you called. I couldn’t speak. I cried the whole time.
The next few days, I went to an emotional turmoil. The more you asked me to move with you, the more I cried. I rationalized everything and nothing. None of it was right.
I got angry at her for fucking things up with my brother. I don’t often do that.
The week’s over. THANK GOD! I am wearing the same outfit as my devil’s advocate. Cant wait to meet him after work.
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi
I M LOSING GROUND- I NEED PILLS TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY
On one side, phone has been ringing like crazy. Why is that everybody likes to wait to the last minute to clear things. I want to strangle all of them alive. Seriously.
What have I become? Blank out. Write a note. I need a cigg.
Where the hell is that damn e-mail on changes on that advertorial? How long do you need to read through something less than 1,000 words? You can call me, and put me on that frigging speakerphone, pretending to be smarter, all frigging ethical and professional at the same time using big words in a sentence that has a grammatical error. Trying to teach people on the marketing perspective of it… seriously, stop trying so hard, because when you put someone on speakerphone, YOU NEED TO MAKE IT CLEAR AND SIMPLE. People can’t hardly hear you on speakerphone, you numb nut!
And you, oh dear god you! I wish I could slap that drug high smile so that you fall down on the street – blacking out without a snore. Can you always be cheerful? You have not seen the worse. You will not be able to even comprehend it when you see it.
Please, please, please let me get through the day.
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi
What have I become? Blank out. Write a note. I need a cigg.
Where the hell is that damn e-mail on changes on that advertorial? How long do you need to read through something less than 1,000 words? You can call me, and put me on that frigging speakerphone, pretending to be smarter, all frigging ethical and professional at the same time using big words in a sentence that has a grammatical error. Trying to teach people on the marketing perspective of it… seriously, stop trying so hard, because when you put someone on speakerphone, YOU NEED TO MAKE IT CLEAR AND SIMPLE. People can’t hardly hear you on speakerphone, you numb nut!And you, oh dear god you! I wish I could slap that drug high smile so that you fall down on the street – blacking out without a snore. Can you always be cheerful? You have not seen the worse. You will not be able to even comprehend it when you see it.
Please, please, please let me get through the day.
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi
Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Do you still remember the first time you got on a flight to someplace far. I do - I couldn't stop squirming in my seat - and I had the biggest smile on my face. The anticipation.. was beyond words. When I was younger, I was dying of envy when people tell me about their holiday trips. I was not privilege to enjoy this. I would squirm in my seat telling myself “one day… I will”.
As I was studying, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to try and get my degree outside, but unfortunately being raised by a single mother, who I am her only daughter, she started wailing when she heard I wanted to study outside. Reason being – she knows- one day I will not come back. Given the opportunity – I will find my way to live there. Don’t get me wrong I love my comfort zone. I love the familiarity and security that I have to have lived all my life in Malaysia. However there are times in your life where things become a routine, and you needed something new. You wonder what’s out there and you want the opportunity to start new. To re-create yourself in a place you have not written any history.
My first trip that got me a passport was to the neighboring country. Although it was a short trip – I was still excited at seeing how life was there. As similar as it was in KL, with “lansi” mofo’s and fast pace people and the no smoking clubs- I had fun just to be able to see that.
Bali changed me. I met random people and walked down the streets alone. It was fun to talk to random people from all over the world and to see their perspective on certain aspects of life (It also helped that people find me painfully different and beautiful-, which is not what men in my country would agree). Like a junkie- I craved more.
During breakfast, we talked of the things we have seen, the adventure that we endured (countless – walking with MIAMI stoners- ordering and ran out, being in Japan sleeping at the airport and the lack of money for cab fare, the LaPerla drug incident in Puerto Rico, and the half nude gay pose German that I met in Sydney- just to name some), I realize how lucky I have been. How I hope, no matter what I have seen, I wouldn’t be immune to it. That I will still feel like the first day I arrive to NYC. I don’t want to lose the high!
Sometimes, we go places and we took pictures so that we can show to other people where we have been. But by end of the day – we look at the things and experience that we were able to witness- bad or good (as long as you don’t end up having your body parts sold in the black market) – we begin to understand why we go through those long haul flights and spend all those money.
Now if only I can convince my mother to let me quit my job and live in some foreign country for 2 months as a waitress.
As I was studying, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to try and get my degree outside, but unfortunately being raised by a single mother, who I am her only daughter, she started wailing when she heard I wanted to study outside. Reason being – she knows- one day I will not come back. Given the opportunity – I will find my way to live there. Don’t get me wrong I love my comfort zone. I love the familiarity and security that I have to have lived all my life in Malaysia. However there are times in your life where things become a routine, and you needed something new. You wonder what’s out there and you want the opportunity to start new. To re-create yourself in a place you have not written any history.
My first trip that got me a passport was to the neighboring country. Although it was a short trip – I was still excited at seeing how life was there. As similar as it was in KL, with “lansi” mofo’s and fast pace people and the no smoking clubs- I had fun just to be able to see that.
Bali changed me. I met random people and walked down the streets alone. It was fun to talk to random people from all over the world and to see their perspective on certain aspects of life (It also helped that people find me painfully different and beautiful-, which is not what men in my country would agree). Like a junkie- I craved more.During breakfast, we talked of the things we have seen, the adventure that we endured (countless – walking with MIAMI stoners- ordering and ran out, being in Japan sleeping at the airport and the lack of money for cab fare, the LaPerla drug incident in Puerto Rico, and the half nude gay pose German that I met in Sydney- just to name some), I realize how lucky I have been. How I hope, no matter what I have seen, I wouldn’t be immune to it. That I will still feel like the first day I arrive to NYC. I don’t want to lose the high!
Sometimes, we go places and we took pictures so that we can show to other people where we have been. But by end of the day – we look at the things and experience that we were able to witness- bad or good (as long as you don’t end up having your body parts sold in the black market) – we begin to understand why we go through those long haul flights and spend all those money.
Now if only I can convince my mother to let me quit my job and live in some foreign country for 2 months as a waitress.
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi
Scissors Kick - Valentine’s Day Special
When a friend called at noon on Saturday, I was still too lazy to respond, but I picked up the phone anyway. On the other line, while she was saying other stuff the only thing I could hear was lap dancing V-day special. In my head – I ain’t got nothing for V-day – but that would be an interesting lesson to follow. Since I’m too lazy to get out of bed, we schedule for Sunday. Lap Dancing – that wouldn’t be too hard huh? I shake my booty before and bump and grind around men before – and heck – I have strip dance (an unlimited amount of alcohol is needed in this situation, and illuminated light that enhances your silhouette) before. How wrong I was.So I drove on a Sunday afternoon – no frigging clue what to expect – and what I would see. In my heads jumbled up thoughts: maybe it’s a bunch of old ladies trying to spice up their sex life – the next thought was alarming – I hope I don’t bump into anybody I know. Geared in my beige – f**k-me-bunny- heels, my brother’s grey shirt and some daddy’s blue tie – I realize I would look like a blind school teacher dressed me up as a stripper. Nothing matched. Hilarious!
We were late because I insisted that I wanted some lunch from the Mickey Dees that involves a fish, some fries and a large coke. Upon arriving, they have learned to shake their booty while I quickly try to put on my heels and make a run towards the lessons. Definitely no old married ladies around, but some hot asses ladies wanting to sweat it out in a sexy way. The instructor was this cute little bombshell, with a tattoo of flowers on her leg and an English accent. Funny and simply flexible- bending every part the right way.
Trying to catch up with the rest was hard enough – my a** was moving like a robot – and it wasn’t a pretty sight. First was the sexy strut walking towards the guy on the chair. The walk was supposed to be slow and seductive and looking at the instructor doing it – I thought it would be a piece of cake. Wrong again. Instead of being sexy – I was wobbly in my heels and when I pop my a**, I look horrendously uncomfortable. The rest was even harder. My legs seemed to bend instead of being straight as we tried to accomplished the “POSE” which involves lowering your body as you caress your legs (spread out) – reaching towards your ankle. Then you touch the floor with your hands as your face is in between your spread looking at your Valentine. Imagine – this wannabe stripper- leg spread wide- looking in between them- with a face of pain and agony trying to have her hands reach the ground. As if that wasn’t bad enough, you know how strippers move to the side, one leg straight up; they begin caressing from the ankle down to the bum. My leg cannot be straight – and it was just such pain. And last but not least, the scissor kick, as you lay flat on your back, legs spread for a peek, and then closed and doing the worm.
Overall it was fun, with great choreography, and I just simply love the instructor. Would I embarrass myself trying again? Hell yeah!! Would I do it for my Valentine?
I would need a lot of red wine (to have the courage to be laughed at – instead of turning him on) and other substance (so that I wouldn’t feel the stretching pain).
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi
Overall it was fun, with great choreography, and I just simply love the instructor. Would I embarrass myself trying again? Hell yeah!! Would I do it for my Valentine?
I would need a lot of red wine (to have the courage to be laughed at – instead of turning him on) and other substance (so that I wouldn’t feel the stretching pain).
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi
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