Why I sing my lullaby, Why apples turn rotten

Why I sing my lullaby, Why apples turn rotten

These are the moments in life that leaves you stumped. Moment that you wish would never come. I stared at screen, out of words, ran out of the will to bullshit anymore. First comes the appraisal schedule, now excel document that it is a compulsory for me to fill. First questions – what is your biggest achievement for this year?

I stared at my answer last year, I let out a smirk. Interesting how you can lie with a smile and how much I can kiss ass. What should I write? The truth is – nothing. I haven’t accomplished anything for the company. At least nothing that can be considered as an triumph to the company. I have not contributed any major revenue. For goodness sakes, I fail every attempt of selling. Or even at anything that I dare take credit for. To be honest I felt like saying scoring with a Romanian senior auditor who travels around the world, that allows me and give me a reason to travel to NYC, Amsterdam, Paris and Thailand. To walk in the streets of NYC and have a hot CEO approach me to call him up. Ahaks… can I put that in, as a vanity complex to boost my self esteem.

I scrolled to one question after another. Why do they insist on doing this, when they know we will lie through it like how we lied through our job interviews, and resumes. Goals for the year, your view of your immediate bosses and the list of questions goes on and on. Exasperating your will to lie with every hit of each alphabet on the keyboard. Hopeless.

I am dreading the date – September 17….. Where in that small room, 2 dismal ladies will witness me lying through every breath that I could muster. While they pretend to care.

xoxo

Rollo Tomassi

Read More

See Crystal Ball, Breathe Silver Air

See Crystal Ball, Breathe Silver Air

Everything comes to an end. Life, marriage, grief, work, love, relationship, happy moments, college days.. everything that counts as an experience would close its curtains on you.

My cousin came over to my place last night and shared my bed. She got married while we were still in studying in University. I can’t recall how old we were then, but it should be at the end of our teens or at early 20’s. Now; she’s 25, unemployed and filing for divorce (contributing to my fear of marriage). We stayed over talking about everything else, work, travel and anything that doesn’t mentioned the word divorce. Life can be overwhelming at times, as long as you keep yourself grounded and busy I guess. Here’s a cliché “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. No…. what doesn’t kill you will make you fall hard and to keep on falling till you reach precipice, to a lonely place, where you decide to never get up again. Or you keep on dying till you finally found a better place where you find yourself refusing to wake up. But if you are strong enough, you go to this isolated place and you play pretend in front of others till one day, you believe your own pretense. The façade becomes reality, and soon enough you let it go. I hope she'll get a break and the ochestra would start playing a different tune for her.
As for me, I will not suppress my desire; I will not limit my imagination, for I am 25 and free from anything that can bound me. I can get crushed, and bounce back.. I can be stupid and be forgiven. I can find out that a pebble can cause ripples in pond, and still find that ripples fascinating (thus throw more pebbles in it). I do not regret my life’s choices. I do not regret where I stand, though to some it looks like I have nothing. But to me, I have enough to keep a smile plastered on my face and nothing to hold me back. I don’t weigh this moment with a future of dreams that are no longer there.

xoxo

Rollo Tomassi

Read More

There's a million miles to go to where happiness lives.

There's a million miles to go to where happiness lives.

To some people, there might see me as someone dark, gloomy and depressive. Maybe its just the trend, and the fact that happy shiny people is no longer the in thing in fashion. Look at around you, My Chemical Romance is being a hit among teens, and all of a sudden emocore and emowhatsover is also very much within definitely on the top lists, selling records.

My size 28 auditor is always asking whether I am happy and keep pushing it.. “I just want to make you happy, baby.” Do I look like a walking corpse ? Just because I like songs that its lyrics seems to be a reflection of emotional empathy and heartrending in its vulnerability, doesn’t mean I’m suicidal. To be honest, I’m content with what life has offered, I am not having a grudge against everything that is being pushed at me and screaming.“O dear God! Woe is me.” But all I’m saying is I have better days.. and on certain days, I’m just venting out. I just don’t advertise I’m happy, and when I have a bad day, I want to talk about it. Heck, who wants to know about your perfect life or perfect days. Again, Happy Shiny People are a thing of a past- pale, suicidal and depressed are in. Heck look at TV Shows, there’s more drama than comedy nowadays.

Why am I content with having practically nothing certain in my life? Just be like a kid. Take one day at a time, and be happy with simple gestures. Remember when we were kids, how getting a candy means the world but as you grow up, your candy seems harder to achieve. Things that you want get more complicated and tougher to achieve. You set higher goals, you want it all. You want your dream job that drives you, which pays you a 5 figure salary a month, look like the models in those fashion spread, at the same time cuddle home with the perfect ideal mate and own all the material things that its ads screams “cost you a year’s salary, but will give you the happiness you are craving for and respect that you desire”. How can an adult achieve happiness, when what we want will sacrifice another dream, in other words, “what you want is what you’ll never get”. And heck, I'll stick to what Watai says, " I'm too young to worry".

xoxo

Rollo Tomassi

Read More

whats left to say

whats left to say

I’m 25 years old. Scared shitless at the idea of being somebody’s wife and dislike kids in public. “Constantly choosing a partner who I just want to fix but not to own” (derived from duddits theory, my theory sounded even worse), and only want to have a happy ending because everyone else has it, in other words, I have to conform sooner or later because of how society embraces it.

Guys look at me because of my tits, and girls look at me because of the same reason as well. Though not because its a pretty sight, because they are curious. Gravity has taken a toll on it.


In a nutshell, I’m pretty content with my life. (I have RM4.90 in my account, owes nearly 60k in loans, around 5k in cards and I have an addiction on ciggs that are getting increasingly expensive, I live with my mother, and at the moment, using her car as a mode of transportation... sigh what do i have to be actually be content). During PMS, I am just a drama queen, who couldn’t derive from any form of appreciation and satisfaction. I find myself mopping at how pathetic my life is and on normal days, I’ll be either watching DVD or out with people telling them life is not complicated, we make it complicated. On ordinary days, (this is pathetic) I get happy being able to even watch StarWorld on Thursday (30 Rock, How I met Your Mother, My Name is Earl, hell yeah!!!) On other sad pathetic days, I stay in the office till late, even though my work is easily finished within 2 minutes, not because I’m a perfectionist, but because I have no where to go.

I’ve been in and out of abusive relationship, heartbroken and god yes I’m riding that bike again. According to some Internet evaluation I am so compulsive about achievement that I will never be able to rest in a relationship unless there is some success in my career (HOGWASH, a bunch of BS), I am a dominant partner because I fear being controlled or I would manipulate my partner through guilt (well aren’t all girls like that??), and I form relationship easily but have difficulty sustaining them (well.. most Librans are like this, wouldn’t you agree, all you charming, party animal, attention getting, drama queen October babies. Err... we also have ADD) How did telling them my date of birth and where I live get them to BS so much, huh?

So yeah.. thats as much as I can write on my working hours.

xoxo


Rollo Tomassi

Read More