War Against Everything
Hormones. You win.
I mean seriously. Like I'm really really really really.. now multiply that to the power of infinity.. super really... screwed up.
I'm wearing your shirt. and I wish u were here.
SWOLLEN to Melon When u SPEAK
I'm serious..
I am allergic to you.
You give me Tourette's syndrome. I'm serious
It's not you per say, I'm allergic to idiots.
I am allergic to obstreperous gender confused whiny blubbering idiots like you.
I know I'm not amazing. But next to you, I'm golden. But the side effects to the whining causes my head to hurt, my blood pressure to reach a point of no return, and I'm heading for a meltdown every time you utter something.
So I beg you of you. Shut up.
I am a walking contradiction
When I should be asleep I’m awake,
I’m not defying nature, but it may seem like I do not know me
When I should go left, I go right
When I should be crying, I am laughing it off,
I love with head, I fight with my heart,
I’m illogical yet I make sense
I love being boss around, but I hate taking orders
I want you slap me, yet I want you to kiss me
Confused yet certain
I’m consistently inconsistent
I know myself, that I know I don’t
When I’m wrong, I’m right
I hate myself yet I’m proud
Don’t try to figure me out
An end to another Monday
The weekend was like a congeries of weird and irrelevant nonsense, that somehow make sense i my already jumbled up mess. Last week ended with me talking to a colleague about her depression and later followed through with a scary ghost story over drinks at a nearby pub. This leads to 4 grown women had to go to the bathroom together due to much uneasiness and chills down our back. I rushed home like a horny men chasing his next tail, and got home to change and rush out for my best bud's birthday. The nite ended with me texting randomly, and falling to deep sleep.
The weekend was filled with unexplained dreams. I stayed indoor last weekend, except for the shopping day out with mommy dearest and my beloved auntie. My favourite pastime ...put to good use.. and my credit card stayed away from any actions.
It ended up with yours truly teaching mommmy on the existence of LaSenza, which she absolutely loved the strapless although it cost more than her normal in a pile bra's, taught her to wear wedges and my auntie heels, and later some caramel frap coffee base with whip cream and me testing out the new GBC from mickey dees.
Oh yeah.. before I move on, back to dreams.. i dreamt.. I gave birth to twins. And they were... adorable?
And the next day I dreamt about my ex. Which just weirded me out. But I'll take this two dreams and give up the early morning anxiety attack I had this morning. Like clockwork 4.30am, 5.30 am.. i woke up gasping for air.. panicking on what I have not finished up yet.
Today.. was like any other Monday's. Painful. Problematic. Pissy me. I wish I was some kind of Antaean employee.. that nothing would tire me out, and make me restless.. But eh... best quote of the day : IDIOTS ARE BORN EVERYDAY.
Random questions in my head
Today I reminisce about the men that I have loved in my life. They are all different people and I love them differently. Besides all the difference one thing remained the same, one characteristic that they all share in common. No, its not that they all adore me and love me with all their heart.. They were all men that I know deep down I would not spend my life with.
People say when you meet the one, you know.. but when I cannot even decide on the right pair of shoes, how do I decide on the “right” one?
In my life, things come unexpectedly in my life, and I follow the course, with nothing more than just hope.
I “accidently” fall into my career path, I accidentally fell in love and by chance I manage to fulfill my childhood dreams, which is to travel.
Sometimes it made me wonder, “Am I just settling for whatever that I can get?”
Or
Is it the fact that when growing up, I learn that the best way to not let yourself down, is to never expect too much. Manage your expectations. The less you hope for, no matter what you get, you get content. Growing up, I never asked for specifics. I make it open with much space for consolation. See, I never wished to be married, be a mother and be happy. Instead I wish to be once in my life, know what it is to fall in love and have someone to love you back. Love with passion, love with all your heart.. the kind of stupid love you read in those trashy romance novels. And I have experienced that kind of love and the heartbreak that comes with it. The kind of love, that shakes you to the core.
Then, all I ever wanted was, to be able to travel (again without any specifics). And when I fall in love, I happen to fall in love with someone who made that possible for me (due to the long distance relationship). And eh.. I kill two birds with one stone.
So if both of my dreams are fulfilled, what else is there to look forward to…
There is nothing left to grieve.
You are already gone. Then why do I feel this. You are no longer mine. Why do I hold on?
He is leaving in due time. Like a ticking clock, waiting for the moment to strike. I feel like I’m stuck on a limbo. What is that place again? Oh yeah… Purgatory. Being held back.. before even heading anyway.
Here’s the weird part. You are already gone. By now, you are away and we have no idea when you are coming back. You are away, and I am trying to adjust to letting you go. We should take this as a goodbye, so when you do go, I’ll be fine… just fine. Isn’t it selfish? You are so selfish. What the hell am I doing? You should be enjoying your freedom now, you tell me, you wouldn't.. why? So that I stay here.. waiting for you.
And yet, I feel perfidious for even thinking about anyone else. Like as if I have just kicked you in the nut, with the most devious smile, while still telling you it’s not suppose to hurt. Yes, that doesn’t make sense. None of this does. You, me, them.. none of this.
Its one of those days. Where I just don't quite get it.
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