Daily Dose of BS: 2009

Remembering what you use to have, is a pain in the ass.

Thanksgiving. What do you have to be thankful for?

Sometimes, in the midst of it all, we forget the great things we have, all around us. Its only human nature for us to want what we don’t have.

New friends that came along, that we have that takes up our time, made us forget the old ones that have been there for us.

As we get older, we get selfish. We want more and soon enough we want it all. But we forget the simple fact, are we able to have it all. Can we cope in having it all?

When we have some, we tend to lose some in the process.

In friendship and relationship, I realized that the closer we are to someone, the more inclined that they feel hurt by the simplest actions that we disregard. So, they are times, I keep a safe distance, not to get too involved that I don’t hurt myself and I don’t hurt others. Being the ignorant, self-obsessed person that I am I have tendencies to hurt those who are close to me. Only to realize, that if someone cares enough to be hurt by an action, I should be thankful, that at least someone cares enough to feel hurt.

When we meet new friends or a new lover, we always assume that whatever in our lives before will always be there. We take it for granted and we consume our time and energy in other things. We try to make time, and we give reasons to it. Saying we made the effort and it’s enough. We’ve grown up and have other things to focus on.

New families that we have, made us abandon the old ones. We get so caught up in raising a family, that we forget the ones that raises us.

We forget. We get blogged down with other things, and we just forget. We forget to make time, we forget to smile, we forget to say thank you, and we forget to even make a simple phone call to say hey. When we forget too long, we even forget how to even care about one another anymore. Funny enough, it’s easier to see someone making that mistakes than knowing that we are making one on our own.

We always feel that it will always be there, when we forget nothing is forever.

I am thankful for what I have. I forget what I have sometimes. So, in a simple gesture (and much words), I am saying thanks for remembering even when I forget.

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Please... I need to cut my hair.

Perfect Soul Mates

Sometimes, we meet some people in our lives that was just perfect for us.

But fate somehow decided to play a cruel joke and only let us have it for a short period of time. They say, it is not intended for you. He/She is not yours to hold. Oh how, you hate that simple fact.

It usually started with you having a choice. You choose to dive in, head first. But it ends with you making the right choice. It ends never by your "ideal" choice, but because you know you have to or forced to in some certain extent.

I was talking to a friend who is going through this and that's where it hits me. Maybe, it is never meant to last, so that it will always remain perfect in your mind. See, give it years and more commitment, the spark will die. You take one another for granted, and so on. However, knowing the fact that it is ending, you cherished it even more, and you let go of silly mistakes and focus on what's important.

Maybe, somethings a meant to be a certain way to be left only as a memory of what it could be. Maybe, we never meant to let it go and hold on to it, because we couldn't have it. Sheesh.. who knows.

What if fine isn't enough

What if FINE isn't enough? What makes you think you are worth more than ordinary?

When is it right to get off your high horse and settle for what is right now, and stop dreaming of what is meant to be RIGHT.

Maybe we settled too much. Or maybe we wanted too much. How do you ever know? What is your worth?

xoxo

Forgotten The Reason Why

I guess in the midst of it all we tend to forget the reason why we do it.
Today my colleague pointed out. Malays forget the reason why they are fasting. We get angry and curse that in this holy month we were suppose to be humble and be good. If not what's the point?

Stuck

I hate to admit it. But I'm stuck. I hate it

Fool's Paradise?

In the midst of it all... I am just exhausted. Am I going through my biggest fear now?
I'm heading off to Bali tomorrow. The first time I was there, it liberated me. The second time I was there I was in love and under much supervision on whom I was staring to. Now, I'm just clueless on what to expect, yet I feel nothing.

How Could You?

They always justify it by saying you don't choose who you fall in love with. Is it hipocrasy for me to hate those who screwed up others marriage when if it people that I know was the other person, I don't put a stop to it?
What is the thin line that u were not meant to cross?
I know it's naive to believe that the other person would NEVER cheat on you. But when a meal is presented everyone is tempted to taste, even when you are full. Are we meant to turn a blind eye?
Question: What makes you think that the other person would not cheat on you if you succeed in stealing him/ her away? Do you honestly think because you are better? Or because he loves you more? They got married not at gun point you dim witted fools. But he/she would say a bunch if BS and u bought it. Then when you have em, your paranoia begins.
It's a lost cause. You just don't know it yet....

Sing me a lullaby

I am lying in my bed, unable to close my eyes. Someone once said, the easiest way to sleep is to take all distraction out of your room. So, when you are a self diagnosed mild ADD, where everything is a distraction, how do you focus to sleep?

When You Can't Say The L Word?

Silence.
All I could utter was "Oh baby..."
What could I say back in return, when no emotions hit me.
See, when I fell in love once upon a time. I remember how my heart ached every single time he said it. And oh, how I craved to hear.
Now, another person is practically saying all the right things like as if it was published in text book. Taken context from any sappy love movies. On the other line of that digital signal of communication, was me. Racking any left working brain cells to tell me what to say.
I mean what can you really say, when you are not saying I love you?

See let's analyze this situation...
A) lie and say I love you when u really are not sure.
In this case when you actually do fall in love, you have already say it. You save yourself the hassle. Or if later you are sure that it was just a prolonged drunken state of euphoria and just good sex, you can say.... I'm no longer IN LOVE with u.

Problem is, you don't want to mislead. But in most cases u already have.

B) You could utter a consolation prize sentence like,
- Thank you (worst thing ever on my opinion)
- I love spending time with you
- I adore you
- You must be drunk ( which applies in most cases)
- I love me too ( and later just laugh and say oh dear)
- Something irrelevant like "did u know spiders have transparent blood," followed by a boring never ending story.

Thing is no matter what you say- if it's not I love you too. It just doesn't do any justice.

When a person truly confess what he thinks he feels, get his heart out there to be gutted, and you have nothing.... What can you do?

Love is more than just holding hands

Let me make this clear for you,
I like it when you get jealous and angry,
Or when you nod your head when I say something,
Pretending to get me even when you don't.

I like it when you act all cute,
Being someone else with me,
That no one knows.

I smile when you say what you feel for me,
But I can't say anything because I get too scared.

I like when you share your record collection with me,
Even if I have to google the names up,

You have your DVD shelved,
Would you think less of me if you know that I don't alphabetized mine,
Can you still keep that smile,
Even after I criticized the movie you like,
Or get carried away with the one I love

Can you sleep peaceful at night
When I grind my teeth so loud
And you need the rest more than you need me.

If I wear a short dress,
That makes me have another pair of cheeks to powder,
Will you still hold my hand proudly,
Even as the guys see more than they can imagine.

Can you still kiss me if I make a bad joke,
Will you let me use Chappele and Seinfeld as a reference,
To life greatest topics

There are things you need to know about me
I’m weak right now, so weak right now
I need proof before I dare to open this heart
And I play tough because I get scared to need someone

Will you let me watch porn,
While I have you inside me,
Can you just say yes, when I get turned on,
Even if we are eating at McDonalds.

Can you let me be myself,
And not spit while I'm next to you,
Can we not live in together
Because I don't want you around me all the time

Can you always be truthful to me,
Can you not compete with my past,
Do you still keep a picture of her?

If I say I don't love you back,
Can you please keep fighting for my affection,
Can you hold me tonight?
And if I fall, just catch me.

Melt my heart to Stone

I have to stop repeating myself like a broken tune,

Stuck in a past that never do me good,

Running in the present that only creates more self destruction.

Hoping of something that would never be said,

I am all for chasing pavements,

But it has to be the real thing ad not some temporary fix,

That deludes me into filling space with ills that would do no good.

Let me wear my heart on the sleeve with doe eyes,

Only wants what I deserve and nothing less,

To not give in to anyone excuses and bad intentions,

To stop making excuses for those who build me up and left me to die,

Never ever to give in to my own pretending to let him be what he never was in my mind,

Be me, and be okay with it.

xoxo

Rollo T

When U Wanna Run, It Takes You For A Stroll

Trade in those champagne and caviar, when you know you should be having beer and hot dogs

xoxo
Rollo T on one of those random nights

“The more decisions that you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose”
For me, I want to blame it on being my star sign, but then I get fickle on whether it's the star sign or freewill.

I was under excruciating pain. Oh how I love to exaggerate.

My point is, the more I know I shouldn't be out, the more I wanted to just go. Popped up about 4 different pain killers, put on a dress, let my bruise make its mark on my arm, and drove myself down to Zouk.

I have never really liked the fact being in Zouk. Memories I have of it, that stuck in my head was when I was 23, and a 19 year old boy said expressionless, "Oh, so you are a veteran," Damn. No one likes feeling old huh?

Then, being persuaded to go and nothing better to do, I thought, what the heck. If I wanna leave later, I could just go.

But the mixture of the pain killers and the night, just made it all right. It was my first time in Phuture, Zouk on it Flava night. And even in the VIP section it was packed as hell.... you wish you could just slain yourself, so people would make space.

What.. i actually don't have a point here. Have I ever had one?

xoxo
Rollo T

Be envious of those who drinks -they know what to blame on!

There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out
Mae West

A trip that conjure up a sense of naughtiness, escape and a secret well kept besides those snapshots that would not make to even dream of becoming a politician. As I reach home I realize if I had low-cholesterol order from the doc and keep the alcohol before 3pm i had violated it, with flair and without style! It was a bachelorette party that went wild!

When I first decided to go for the trip, in my mind, brace yourself, intoxicate, and just make the best out of it. Never in my wildest dream thought it would be what it was.

If I could create an award, that trip would definitely hands down get an accolade for such fun! The girls that I was with was just simply amazing. Tiger lily.. wish I had more time there with your entourage!

Koh Phi Phi, despite having the BURGER RAMLEE costing RM10 for a burger without cheese and the fact that plastic doesn't apply, I fell in love with it! The wild nights, the SINGHA, SORAYA (the most amazing Thai bartender), and oh those hot divers at that lil shop!

Apache bar.. we couldn't keep away from it.. even for a night. All those random boys on the street.. we couldn't keep away as well. ;) And we cannot keep ourselves away from those buckets as well!

But as all rules of trip goes.... What happens there, stays there.

And even as I leave the lil island to head home, I met two incredible, hot boys to keep me entertained till I reach Krabi.

To sum it... one hell of unexpected experience!

xoxo
Rollo T

Kudos to the organizer, for making it such a memorable trip for all of us. We had one hell of a time, brazzing our already tanned self at the beach, looking at hot bods, counting numbers of people that peed at the beach, and getting ourselves over the normal limit of tolerance level! Without u at the trip, you know it wouldn't come close to even being fun.

Over the months

Rock the World

God knows whether this rock the world has reached a double digit. Who could keep track?

It was muddy, that was as much as I can remember. Maybe I grew older and no longer in the scene of even knowing half the names of the bands that played, or ROCK THE WORLD has now become the same old same old or maybe the fact is I came extremely late as a gatecrasher.. fact is it no longer garners the same kind of response to me as it once did.

Highlight of it is, BUTTERFINGERS still produce the same hype and enthusiasm as when I was young watching them. We left early, to avoid the jam.. and hit the clubs later that night.

NEW YEAR 2009

After working hours, I hit traffic and head down to Air Asia.

With much intoxication from the CNY luncheon, I was still gi

ggly even when I checked in my bags or even when I drove to the airport.

Upon arriving, me and m

y Party Boy, couldn’t wait to get our hands on the duty free vices.

Next morning, a cold one is just the right cure for it.

And by night, I was back in

KL wishing I was still in Langkawi grooving to the sounds of Pure Vibe!

LABUAN OPEN 2009

What can I say...

Upon heading there, I was like a kid in a candy store.. the two words any KB would like to hear.. was being conceptualize.. DUTY FREE....

By noon, we were knocked out silly by coconut flavoured delish and that mix of pineapple.

As the dawn hits.. then we get the cold feet. We are playing paintball after 2 years of being away and lacking the proper training that was used to be drilled upon us by our previous mentors and coaches.

But all in, we didn't do quite bad I guess, for someone who just formed a team a day before. Luck was on our side, and the LUXE markers made it all good and right.

By night fall, at the players party, all rules are thrown at before we entered the "DISKO". We stuck on our intoxicated smiles, KL style, and partied the roof down to god knows what era of a song!

We are missing the labuan hospitality and those school kids by the time we reach back to the office to work that Monday!

You know, its wrong, when u wake up, and you don't remember, where you are and you had to check if you had your clothes on....

Someone once said

Bangkok smells of sex, but this aroma is mingled with the sharper whiffs of sex and money. To me... it just reeked the smell of hangovers, and sleazy bars...

xoxo

Rollo T on things that have been going on since the New Year

25 Random Fun Facts about Rollo T.

I actually had this up on facebook note. But I just want to keep this here.

Joshie: My once-use-to be-white teddy that I sleep with that can disgust any guy who ever had a sleepover at my place. It was a gift from my friends (eleen, srie, sue + the rest) on my 19th birthday. I still sleep and hug it every night.
I miss those who I had loved before, but I know I can never be with them. The kind of thing that just kills you inside.
I would live the country in a heartbeat – but when I can, I make reasons not to. Don’t even try to figure me out!
I grind my teeth when I sleep. I can’t replicate the sound when I am awake. When I get really tired it gets even worse. For those who had to endure it, I pity all of u.
I don’t eat barbeque-d chicken. I don’t know why, I just don’t like it. I would always stick to chicken sausages
I always am the luckiest person in an unlucky situation (Aref – you were the one who made me realize this!)
Movies are a sacred thing to me. Taking a guy to the cinema to watch a movie on a date is like meeting the parents for me. I would only do that, once I know I am crazy about the person enough. Only if I were crazy about him that even if he thought a movie like 30 days of night is cool, I would still kiss him afterwards.
When my mom was pregnant with me, she thought I was a boy. A few scanners confirmed that I was a boy. She called me Amin, when I was resting in her tummy. Only moments before labour she found out that I am actually a girl. At least that’s the story she told me. Well, at least that explains my un lady-like behaviour.
I am cynic, and yet I am a hopeless romantic. I am a walking contradiction.
I hate making decisions. Sometimes, I can’t even decide whether I am hungry. I try to rationalize too much before making decision.
I attract mentally unstable people. See my facebook profile - I am an insane magnet. Psychotic men tend to feel at home with me. But then again, a close friend once said that, the men I have loved and been with are normal people until they be with me (Yes Fendi, u were the one who said it, I can always count on u to come up with ways to give me a dose painful realization). Go figure.
Nik Justin is the first person that calls me by the name Tits. Somehow, over the years, and typo errors the name kind of got stuck on me.
I am allergic to seafood (– but I think it’s just psychological). When I had the attack, I was still a kid. And I refuse to touch prawns and crabs even now that I am all grown up.
I am vengeful by nature, but since I am forgetful, I forget the plot of my revenge, who or why I wanted to get even with.
I should not be in charge in taking care of any living thing. I had 2 hamsters when I with my ex, but after the break up, he gave the custody of it to me. BIG MISTAKE. I forgot to feed it for days. The next thing I know, one hamster lost its head. When the survivor died, it even buried itself.
I don’t think I have ever been on a real date. Have I? What constitute a real date anyway?
I get easily distracted. So, if my eyes wonder off when I am talking to u, or I zone off while u are talking, it’s not U- I just have problem focusing. If you ask me I’ll come up with some cock and bull story that I am diagnosed with A.D.D but I am allergic to Ritalin.
I tend to repeat the same story to several different people over and over again like a parrot. It’s pathetic!
When I get emotional and my mind is not in an advisable condition (although I’m never really in the right state of mind) I like to drive around alone, handphone’s off, windows down, cigarettes in between my fingers with the sounds of Maria Mena, Fiona Apple, Koko Kaina, Ling Kai, Racheal Yamagata (and the list goes on) to soothe me. Depressing songs soothes me. Again, don’t ask.
No matter what, I love my Mickey Dees and my Malrboro’s. Don’t try to separate us. Don’t even try.
There’s nothing bad or terrible that u could say/call/ or name me that have never been said to me before from the people that I have loved before. It’s a curse, but I think I am addicted to the drama and the emotional abuse.
I love attention, compliments and public display affection. Although I try to play it cool most of the time. But then again, I don’t react to compliments very well.
I love my family. And I believe absence makes the heart grow fonder, that’s why I am rarely home.
I hate being predictable. I hate routine. I love doing stupid things that can get me in trouble, though I think age have made me more responsible (yeah right).
I always manage to screw things up and piss off anybody and everyone who ever or still cares for me unintentionally. Don’t ask me how. It’s a natural talent that I don’t wish to possess.

Fairytales are for the meek fools

See, everyone has their story to tell. I can't bear to listen to your broken heart, because I was busy mending my own. So if you shut up and listen, this is mine to tell.

-----

Once, upon a time there was a girl....

She was just a f***ed up girl looking for her own piece of mind, she’s not perfect. She had years of people telling her that.

He was everything that she never knew she wanted. They never planned to be where they were, but it happened. Fate dealt them a card they weren’t ready to play. Both of them plunged it whole-heartedly; it was beautiful how they started. To be in love, to be in that perpetual state of anesthesia.

The commonality that they have is that they both recognize reality of their situation that it could never be. But the fact they are both as self absorbed as one another, helps keeping them together. It wasn’t that they were right for each other, they were just not right for anyone else. Therefore, no one but them could comprehend what they feel.
He drags her kicking and screaming, through fast dreams and knows exactly what she means. She feeds him with rubber bands for him to stretch till she can see his frustrations on the boils, and yet she doesn’t know when to quit. Soon enough, her reflections through his eyes were not something she dared to look. She knows she had broke whatever it is she thought she had.

Nothing last forever. He began looking for all her flaws. Their battles become repetitious, and soon enough she realized that she was apologizing for what was no longer her mistake, her past choices that she was never sorry for. It was a broken poetry, a chapter she once played.

She said, “I fell in love. Not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you would call it. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. I love you, very simple, very truly. I’ve never felt this way before, and I don’t care. I do not doubt that I am in love with you. I’m not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. I grew up never having any f**king example of male- female relationship and I got hurt in past so many times until one cut herself from finding anyone. So I’ve been around – and I don’t fucking regret it, some were good and some were bad – and then I come across you. How seldom it is that you meet that one person who just gets you- its so rare. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look – because I’ve been in different arms- and I choose you. And for me that makes all the difference. “ She said it all, although it was too late, although he wasn’t even listening to a single word she said. To him none of this makes sense. He felt small, insignificant and emasculated. He thinks he’ll never be on her level – never be enough for her or something. What he didn’t get was that she didn’t care. She wasn’t looking for “THAT GUY”; he was all that she was looking for.

He kept digging, and soon created fictional stories and characters that seem so real. So, her fairytale turned into the same old story that she had been in, and but now the cast of the leading man has changed. She knew the ending, but she fought with all she knew how. He found the reason to justify everything; he found the perfect story that would be worse than anything anyone could ever do. He kept himself blinded to hide all that he fears, all that he has done. He disillusioned himself with things beyond belief. He jumped on conclusions and landed on her chest as he yelled out obscenities to her.

She gave all to him without question, and yet he still wanted to steal every bit of it. She has been misjudged and misinterpreted her whole life, so this shouldn’t really hurt. All that he wanted to say has been said before. All he ever wanted to do has been done before, maybe even worse. It shouldn’t have wounded her, but it did.

She had nothing left to lose. And all that he had to show was some foolish pride that gave way to regret.

And so ends her fairytale.

February 2007

xoxo
Rollo T.

Daily Dose of BS

Remembering what you use to have, is a pain in the ass.

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