I am exhausted from this BS we call relationship

Saturday

I am exhausted from this BS we call relationship

As I get older, i began getting softer. Maybe it is nearing the time of the month, maybe I am just emotionally unstable this past few days, call it – withdrawal syndrome, but I am just tired of all the BS. Sometimes I need to be slapped tight across the face to wake up from it all. I remember telling myself, never be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. What the fuck am I doing now.


If you rather be with others, and then you don’t really need me here, to pass by time before the weekend arrives. I am tired of holding it back, being unhappy but being quiet about it. I don’t hint it, and you won’t let me say it. So here goes. I’m tired of this entire BS we call a relationship. I am fucking tired of this charade we call love. It’s a fucking mutually created delusion of lies for one another.

If you don’t want me, why am I even here? When you make reasons not to touch me, then wonders if others are. What sick perversion state do I have to keep this going on. I must really love you, or I’m just sick in the head. Shoot me. Fuck me. Literally. Just do so. If you are not, pass it around. This meat is going to waste. Here’s a secret, love is more than just holding hands.

Why the fuck am I still here? How the fuck did I get sucked into these for so long? If you rather make plans with or without me, why am I making plans to even see your face.

So, if you make plans on your own, without making any room for me. Just close the door behind you. I’m not something you just pass time with or just hang with when you don’t have other plans.

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We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.

Monday

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.

It's already Monday, and in about 4 hours i would need to wake up and face the music. Right now my body clock doesn't seem to understand that, so I decided to bore others with details of my insignificant Sunday.

I spend the day looking for what to wear that would fit the party theme of naughty and nice. I end up buying xmas gift for my boyfriend. Maybe on Tuesday, I will head over to KL and get those black wings. They look pretty cool.

I have been having these weird restless feeling like something is wrong. Maybe it's anxiety of my trip to London, I don't know.. maybe.

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Let's tie a string to it

Let's tie a string to it

Its that freaking sinking feeling again. Like I left something behind, like something is not right. That feeling at the pit of your stomach. Making me restless. Disheveled like a frenetic auditor on coke on a Sunday morning.
I didn't mean to snap at you. But nothing makes sense in my head. Especially you. You keep asking me what's wrong. I stare blankly at you, pretending to answer with that cold stare. You pushed again for an answer, a vocal one. Inviting me for another row of fights that will not even take place, let alone be resolved. I sighed. I snapped. My face tells you that something is amiss.
 

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Here's to a lovely Sunday

Sunday

Here's to a lovely Sunday

Here passes another day. I'm starring at the screen. I'm wondering what's wrong and my heart is heavy. Like something is creeping inside me and I don't know what it is.
I am looking on my side to find some kind meaning, he is asleep soundly while the sun is up. Cautioning me not to make a sound or he'll flip. Grouchy.
Looking outside my window, wondering if the week's gonna give me another heartache, another temptation, another shock lines of bad news.
Sometimes I feel like I just want to be saved, even if I do not know from what or who.

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Drilling my head back to the source

Monday

Drilling my head back to the source

The noise was a form of vagaries of uncertain circumstances of my life. The knocking of the hammer followed by the deep drilling in the office on weekdays, snoring of the love ones at nights and the sound of renovation from my next door neighbour on weekends, were adding up to my aggravation.  Just like the renovation of my life, filled with much noise, that I am losing thoughts and sleep. A crazy nightmare that doesn’t make sense, predictability of that significant other that keep proving me right to the point that I am losing my sanity and changes in plans from friends due to unforeseen circumstances that wasn’t part of the overall picture. Like my ramblings, is getting out of topic, all over the place without much logic or even a point to make. It is just noise. 

I feel my mendacious nature is peeking trying to find faults with my own world. From each corner and perspective of my life, it is finding a reason to be cynical and hate. You think going to psychologist is bad, dude, even my psyche would need a 3 shrinks to go through my mind right now.

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Dont know if its right

Dont know if its right

i've been tossing and turning. Hesitating and wishing for another a day. He said this should be the easiest part. But it doesn't seem so. Maybe I'm lucky.. to have such a heavy heart to say goodbye to.

I dont know if its right. But i know time to hesitate is over. Im racking my head finding a reason otherwise, but it seems this is it. The time is now.

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Tell me I'm wrong

Friday

Tell me I'm wrong

I need you right now. I need you here to tell me that all my worst thoughts of u are wrong. I need you to say you are all that I need, you are better than anyone else that I can be with and that I am all that is enough. I need you to tell me, that I am better than what I think of myself, and that I am better when I am with you. Lie with all that you can. Let me believe it tonite. Just for tonite.

Let me smile and be safe, within your embrace. Without any thoughts of my past, of future but only the present here that I am with you.

Someone I love, once said to me, You will never let yourself be happy. Lie to me, make me feel that I can be.

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War Against Everything

Tuesday

War Against Everything

Hormones. You win. 

I mean seriously. Like I'm really really really really.. now multiply that to the power of infinity.. super really... screwed up.

I'm wearing your shirt. and I wish u were here.

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