Gosh, I wish that was me.... Merciful mother of mary.. I do
He waited for me for three weeks. He kept asking why I keep push him away. It’s hard to define, but it’s harder to comprehend. Why my heart cannot be free to love another.
Then I told him, I’m coming over with some DVD’s. It took me hours to reach him. It was 5 hours to be exact, as he waited patiently. I finally arrived. Drinking a few glasses of wine, and ignoring the annoying people who keep coming up to us, I decided it’s time. I’m hornier than a teenage boy who just reached puberty.
Then we arrived, and he tries gently. I disregard it, and pushed him away. I drank more wine and told myself I could do this. Get over my last relationship and start f**king other men. He’s a nice guy; he is the complete opposite of my ex. doesn’t do any drugs. That’s a good sign. He listens and talks less. That’s another opposite. And he wants to settle down and all that kind of bullshit ideas that I gave up on since the dawn of time. So I drank more. And told myself, it doesn’t matter, I’m just horny, and here’s one that can fulfil.
Then it did happen. I finally f**ked someone else, other than my ex. But, I didn’t feel anything. I wish it would just end as soon as possible. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t fulfilling. He looked at me, with those longing looks. Staring down on my private areas saying things that should be making me giggle, I felt nothing. He looked at me and asked, why do you do that to yourself?
Then driving home, I realize, I’m not like that. I f**k with my heart. When I do, I genuinely feel something for the person, without force. It’s either because I love the person, or because I feel a connection. Without it, it just makes me feel disgusted. Here’s to another messed up realization – at quarter of my lifetime, I only realized this. That’s why I was virgin till my20’s. That’s why, the girls calls me picky. And yet, my ex thought I screwed every guy with a hard on. Making out is different, f**king to me is intimacy.
Right after he is done, I dressed faster than you can say, cat in hat. I got dressed up and watch the movie and remain silent. He tried touching me, and I just got stiff like a mannequin. I smile politely and as he tries the second time, I said I got to go home.
The next day, was another event for me. I had to be somewhere for work. After months, after deciding to move on, my ex called. All coked up, and high, he mumbles away ridiculous gibberish. Rushing to work, I wonder why I still answer. Why I still care so much?
Isn’t it obvious, I am still in love. Even after all this time. Then the new guy text me, in the morning. I can’t deal with you, I thought. I kept staying on the line with him, despite the curses, despite all accusations, despite him telling me his sex life. Little did he know, last night, after being with him, I finally f**ked someone else.
Finally, when conversation was at its most decent. With me saying “I never gotten over you,”and him saying “I still love you.” He hung up saying “Its been goodla,” and he continued with saying “bye.....” and with that my tears was already welling up. My throat felt like a 200k lump of gold was stuck there. Felt like the movie Aliens (Sigourney Weaver), where the little aliens was about to just rampage through my heart. I thought, I must be at least lucky, to have felt this way in my lifetime. In having something in my life (or at least once upon a time in my life) that is so hard to let go and say goodbye. At the exact moment, my colleague walked up on me looking confused, asking are you okay? With the most genuine sign of anxious concern. I force a smile, threw my cigarette and say yeah. That was the last good thing, between me and him.
Moments later, when he called again, my instinct said let go. Don’t let him kill the moment for you. True enough, when I got home, I saw this
“i now regret talkin to u for so long n give u my thoughts that u dont deserve... cant remember all u said but it appears that u remain the manipulative selfish bitch i tolerated n moreover didnt recognize for so long..”
At least I had that, long enough, before reality sets in again. What happened to the other guy? I'm ignoring him until my mind is at its right track.
I know, others would say and I quote from Ms Higgins herself “You are too young to even know, just don’t let it grow and you’ll be stronger without him.” And the song continues with, which in my head is a conversation with the other person “I was lost and I was found, but I was alive and now I’ve drowned.”#
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi finally f**ks again
