The Skin of My Emotions Lies Beneath Own
When we go through feelings that were so strong, let it be hate or love, we never truly recover from it. I never wanted to fall down from the clouds that I was in last time. But sh*t happens. So you go on, but days like today I lose all senses and feel. I don't think I'll ever feel that way again.
The week has been an emotional turmoil and I can’t make sense on any of it. So now, I’m just numb. Like I’m stuck in a perpetual dream state, and I don’t feel anything. Not hunger, not even lust. I haven’t even touch work for two days, because I just can’t function. When he called, even when it was anger. At least I felt something. When he e-mailed and said those words, I feel something. Now back to his long silence, I feel numb again. So numb, that I don’t even feel hunger. I force feed myself, I didn’t even realize that the food was spoiled.
I denied my heart for so long, that I don’t even know my real feelings on things anymore. I guess I got angry at it for making me fall and run after him.
Here’s the truth, at least for today
He said I never let him go.
True. I didn’t. If you ask if I still love him. I don’t think so. Do I still miss him? Maybe. Do I want to still be him? No.
When others heard that I was still entertaining his e-mails I told them I just wanted him to be okay, truth is, answering his e-mails was the only way I could even feel something.
When he ask do I feel guilty. I wish he knows the truth. But what’s the point of him knowing the truth. If he does, will he be better – NO. He would only have guilt and regret for cheating on me – TWICE and pushing me away. He would only have hurt and regret for saying those things he said to me without convinction. Or would he? But one thing for sure, he would question everything, on why I lied to him on the first place. He would revisit everything I said, and wonder why or how - I lie saying I did it. How could lie about something so despicable? My answer would be- I don't know.. I guess it was easier than convincing him of my innocence. Maybe, because I just don't have anymore fights in me. When its a lost cause.. why keep fighting?
Truth is, why I still hold on. I’m lonely. I hate having nothing to look forward to. I hate this – not feeling anything feeling. I crave for those moments when I was counting the days to see him. Waiting for his calls, waiting for him to end or start his day. More than anything.. I just want to feel again
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi
