t-shirt no longer has your smell & I’m allowing myself for a breakdown

Friday

t-shirt no longer has your smell & I’m allowing myself for a breakdown

TONITE ONLY: Round Three: Girl Self Analysis –2 Boy Melting Her Cynics- 0

I ran out of complicated theories, and the argument with myself - I’m beginning to win. Me 1, HIM 0. Pushing you out again tonight.

Sometimes I can’t help and wonder, why do I keep doing this myself. Why fall in love and foregone everything around me. I had my own dreams too. Why is it, when we ladies fall in love, we forget ourselves? Give up on everything that matters to me, my family, my friends, my job… basically my life. Give up everything for something temporary. A moment with him… something to linger, while he fiddles with me until he gets bored. Why does one always want more? Why can’t one give up when one knows it’s a lost cause. Why fight what is so obvious. I have a hard time as it is, but I keep trying. Why?

Its funny really, no pathetic actually. I thought I was playing the part of the cool one, when really, I’m playing the stereotype women, who give everything for love.

I know it’s unfair. I never say anything. Why do I find solace, in writing?. How can one live with oneself.

I am constantly judging and testing. Trying to be grounded. When truth be told, I know I’ve flown too high to get back to ground. He will not give up anything. While I get in trouble, while everyone questions, while my mom cries, I drop everything for a day with him. While I get excited, while I plan in my head, u dropped the bomb – I want to be with my parents and give me a consolation prize. I admit, I’m being a drama queen now. I can’t say s**t when it comes to family. Then again, tonite, in wee hours, you tease me again. You told me, you wanted to be with me, then again, and you wanted to be in Seoul. So, you go to Seoul, while I try to kill of my plans and my vacation days, so I can see you.

I don’t blame you. It’s really me. I was the one who kept telling you, “Go fulfill your dreams. I have none- cause you are it.” Not those exact words, but pretty much that. I spelled it out with every agreeing actions, with every nod, I spelled it out – I AM NOT IMPORTANT – you are! Put the blame on me, for I fondle the trigger.. how can you blame it on the gun. I don’t even know what I want – so I play with what you want. I played the part so well, that I confuse the shit out me. This is purely rambling. Xoxo Rollo Tomassi