Before You Leave

Thursday

Before You Leave

Monday was a holiday, and another Muslim celebration of sacrifice. I just got back, and had a whole day without alcohol. Tried to work, but in the midst of it all I got scared beyond belief.

I got home and started working through the am over a long overdue report. And as I turned of the glowing screens full of BS I saw the time, 4am. I sighed, thinking here’s to another long day at work. And as I was lifting off to my dream land, my phone buzzed.

After 2 weeks, he started texting again. But this time was different, he told me he was leaving and I just sighed. Worst, we always have an understanding. No mushiness, I cannot deal with all this anymore. Be mean to me, use me and when we text one another we know what it means.

Maybe it was the fact that he was leaving, I don’t know. He couldn’t just said, “Come over, let’s have a last f**k before I go.” Like we always do. But instead, he said, “You are the only girl I want to hold before I go……. I just want to lie down next to you, and wake up with you next to me for the last time. …. let’s spend one day together….” All the things, that we understood clearly all this while, we should not say to one another. I look at the time, and I know I can’t miss work tomorrow. I just told him, this isn’t you. And the text stops.

What amazes me is that, I know better, but it still gets me. Why? I hated the fact that he had to say all this crap, and affect me. It is not that I don’t want all this, I had it before, and it hurts. I let myself fall, and I could never recover well after that. And how f**king selfish can you get, that you decided to tell me all this crap when you are leaving. F off!