Isolation can be a bitch

Wednesday

Isolation can be a bitch

It’s late. I am done with 14 episodes of Gossip Girls.
Fact no 1.
Everyone leaves
You should learn to just be with yourself.

I know this. I have known this all my life. That if people leave you by choice or by some struck of fate when the time comes. My dad left when I was one years old, and it wasn’t by choice. Every time someone tells me, I’ll be the one leaving them; I’ll be the one holding on actually. It’s just that when you grow older it, it gets real More real. And it hurts.
My best friend, my cynical touch stone, my defensive and realistic conscience is getting married. She’s leaving to states, and I might not be able to see her any more than now. Pathetic eh, that I am mumbling about this? I just never realize it, or see it coming.
So, do you stay away and isolate yourself so that you don’t ever feel anymore loss, or do you embrace every moment together?
When I realize that we are all grown up, and that I would lose her as many of those that I lost in my journey I call life as an adult (adult sounds so wrong to describe me), I felt like calling him. I just needed someone to talk to, someone who doesn’t need me to play pretend that I am strong and able. Someone I can just fall and make me laugh.
My non pretentious, and Gemini best friend hates him. Even as I was watching Gossip Girl, and saw Columbus Circle on 50th (that gold statue, that embrace to keep me warm, even when his first instinct was to strangle me alive)she wouldn’t even allow me to reminisce. She cuts it off, saying that’s in the past, he wasn’t worth it. I shut down again. Sometimes I feel I have nothing to say anymore.
How is this two relevant? As I was looking at the number and thought of calling him at work just to hear him say “Mircea Matei, Corporate Audit,” in his funny work voice, I realize, he will leave to, in fact he left already. And if he didn’t he will one day,
My problem lies here. I could never let go. I never did. I never let go of skinny scrawler, or the coke addict auditor. I never could, but I pretend that I did. I never let go at the fact that some of my friend’s priority has shifted, and they moved on or any of my friends that past away way before their time. I never could, I never did, and even when I know the same story- will always ends the same. Even when I found no one is thinking of me, and that I should start only to care for me. We are just another speck, an insignificant piece that is not even a glue to keep anything a part. When I say we, I mean me.
And underneath all of this, I reminisce the wonderful times that is why I keep images in my head that I shouldn’t. Even when I was happy, I knew.
All things end. There’s no fairytale. And I need to grow up. Taken from that idiotic last pirate trilogy “The trick is to be able to LIVE with yourself.”
xoxo
Rollo Tomassi on loneliness